my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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