..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
