Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Mom said you looked used
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize