i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
