so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize