You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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