he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You made out with two different species that night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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