Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
