I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
