Can Purell be used as lube?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
