Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i out mim tonsoeep
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