guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
