this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
