Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
