I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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