i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
