There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Randomize
