I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize