if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
