i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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