Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
