the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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