I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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