that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Boobs are out for the taking
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
