Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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