She is in my trunk
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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