so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
