Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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