Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Randomize
