Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
