You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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