Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
