Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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