dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
