So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize