uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
