You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
