ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
