sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
NoShamevember. You game?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
