yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize