my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
