Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
