i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
