Swine flu. Run for my life!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
