I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
