currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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