Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
