recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize