I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
