Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
