It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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