I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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