I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
