Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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