she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
