The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
