I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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