I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
