Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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