Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
