she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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