does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
