her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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