I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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